Hey there! Over here. Here. Little to the left. A little more…Hey! For a second there, I totally thought that you were ignoring us. Weird huh? Sooo…how are things?

Super.

Everyone working on their PDCs? I know you are, because I have noticed a remarkable difference when I watch the action outside our offices with my high powered telephoto lens. Keep workin’ on them, everyone is doing great.

The summer has been good to us at the Center for Human Zenetics™. Since merging resources with Jumboshrimp, our enrolment has tripled — sure both my parents moved out of the communal tents, but they don’t get it. Not like you guys, you guys get it. That’s the bad news. Good news for the rest of the ‘family’ in the commune, no more crazy asian screaming matches during Wheel of Fortune! On another note, people are really noticing a difference since allowing Human Zenetics into their lives. And that warms our cockles. Feel them, they’re super toasty feeling.

Before we get rolling, just to update everyone who is anxious about the upcoming “Tour de Awesome” seminars: our interns have been busy finalizing the program. They are ‘cutting the fat’ so to speak. Attendees can expect a lean, green life-affirming machine when our tour rolls into your neck of the woods. Our emissions rate will be somewhere between a U2 European concert tour and Oprah’s Travelling Bookclub. Let’s just say we keep pretty good company. Our carbon footprint will be down a very respectable value, once our pesky interns are done. Who says you have to pay salaries to get results? Really. Who said that, because I wouldn’t mind face-punching them for a wee bit for tipping off the local 420 labour union. Lol, I keed I keed.

SERIOUSLY LABOUR WATCHDOGS, OUR INTERNS ARE VERY HAPPY. THERE IS NO NEED TO HAVE A JOB SITE INSPECTION TO CHECK CONDITIONS AND EMPLOYEE WEIGHT LEVELS.

With all that ugliness out of the way. Can I get to the part where I get to share our latest offering? While we know that the path to enlightenment is a long drawn-out journey, we can’t ignore the fact that we are living in a fast and hairy world. To appease both you (valuable supporters) and our share holders, we have come up with a compromise. We have created a new section of the site. Think of this as a bite-sized treat from the official Guide to Happy™.

Say hello to Ask the Crustacean! — our resident advice arthropod. Everyone at the office goes to this guy for tips, ranging on small engine repair to dating etiquette. We thought—Shit, there has to be a way to monetize this little guy. And of course there is. But we are still holding true to our mantra of…while cheap is good, free is better. That means Ask the Crustacean! will be free. All Day. Every day. Free? Yes. Free. What about weekends? FREE. How about holidays? FREE. OK enough! I really didn’t think we were gonna spend so much time about this FREE thingy.

Moving on.

While his stature is small, his wisdom knowns no bounds. And did I mention the wit! If Bob Saget ever made it with a prawn, this dude would be their love-child. Suffice it to say that he’s kind of a big deal.

Ask the Crustacean! will be published in a semi-regular bi-weekly schedule (subject to change without notice). Here’s a preview of some sage-iosity!

Dear ’shrimp,

I am a 35 year old female executive, I consider myself intelligent and not lacking in the cushion for the pushin’ department. You know the deal…my professional success has left me deficient in the relationship department. I am sick of girl’s night. Where can a girl like me meet the right guy. Hook a sister up!

— What’s a girl gotta do?

Hey girl,

If I had a penny every time one of my lady friends laments about how they sacrificed their social life for career, I’d be able to wrap my exoskeleton in Harry Winston jewels…meaning I hear it a lot. I’m gonna tell you what I tell them. It goes something like this:

Tell me about this fantasy world that you have been living in? Where a woman (or anyone) can achieve everything her (or his) hearts desire. The career. The house. The family. The love of their life. The ability to dunk a basketball. Etc, etc. You see, life is about balances, and achieving success in any realm requires that you are dedicated towards that specific endeavour. That means you have to pick. If you want a relationship now, you are going to have to sacrifice your work. I am not saying to jump off the corporate ladder, maybe just stay at your current rung. What about those people who have everything and are happy? To that I say this: Those people are liars. They are either lying or secretly unhappy, or a combination of. The human animal is not capable on focusing on so many different things and being successful at them all. It’s your whole processing gases via nose/lungs. Way too energy sapping. Crustaceans on the hand, we breathe through gills. It helps us focus big time. We’re good at everything. Therefore, you should call me this weekend. Oh, and try that whole love yourself more dealio, I hear that helps project a more attractive image. Or at least that what my girl Tyra says.

P.S. A picture with this note would have helped your cause large.

J’shrimp

That’s just a cocktail sampling of Ask the Crustacean! If you require advice on anything (we mean anything), shoot the him an email at askthecrustacean@gmail.com. Letters will be published on this site at a completely random rate. We can not promise your confidentiality and or anonymity.

An important economic summit just took place at a resort near Ottawa this past week. At the top of the agenda, were discussions relating to the North American Free-Trade Agreement (NAFTA) and border security. The circus event had the usual suspects of freaks and geeks. Journalist across the globe swooped into this sleeping Capital for some piss and vinegar. The inter-webs is currently bubbling with chatter pertaining to this video and accusations of the use of agents provocateurs during the confrontation between protesters and riot cops. But nowhere in the traditional media has anyone mentioned another atrocity witnessed during the summit. The blogalaxy has been equally silent.

Please direct your gaze at the 3 yahoos pictured below.

We are accessible and transparent and you will know this by our open collars.

Notice anything disturbing?

Two freakin’ words. Casual. Friday. The usually respectable universe of global politics infiltrated by wrinkled cotton pants and open collared shirts. This makes me ill.

Since the mid ’80s, this war of attire has been raging in the business world. Now it has to trickled down into every institution known to man. Is nothing sacred?! Initially funded by golf shirts and Dockers® khakis special interest groups, this ‘casual’ assault had turned the corporate world on its head. Employees foregoing the time honoured traditional garb for their weekend best, if you can call it that. In outfits usually reserved for buying bbq supplies or eating 3 lbs. of honey mustard chicken wings, corporate board rooms started resembling the rom-com aisle at your local video store.

The rationale was simple and relatively innocent, workers are to adhere to a strict dress code the first four work days. Friday is a time for employees to let their hair down. This is the part where in lieu of a raise or a bonus, you get a relaxed work environment. At first glance, how can this be a bad thing? Wrinkled cotton chinos equals fun. And who doesn’t like fun?

You can tell this was a brainchild after some human resources weekend seminar. At first, this movement meant leaving your tie at home for the men, and for you ladies, maybe a pair of sneakers to go along with that smart skirt suit. Then came the ’90s, and the rules of Casual Friday became much more lenient. Now, you wouldn’t even blink if Brian from Finance came into a meeting sporting shorts and a ‘My other ride is your mom’ t-shirt. Classy. Hey, there’s Lois with her barely there tank-top and flip-flops. It must be Friday!

Like the ideals of socialism, a once promising concept has gone horribly wrong. Casual Friday has slowly crept into the rest of the week. Somewhere along the line, buttons, ironing boards and a general feeling of self-worth became the enemy. Currently (at least at my work), the attire is beyond casual. It is more like Hobo Friday (though the rest of the week ain’t too pretty either), pants of differing varieties of elastic waistbands and t-shirts are the norm. Don’t even get me started with the ever popular Canadiana Line — animal graphics set to a lovely black poly-cotton backdrop. I understand what ’suits’ communicate to the regular bystander. Strict. Unwavering. Serious. But I ask you — Is this really a bad thing? Of course casual attire makes sense in certain sectors or job sites. If your job involves heavy lifting or prolonged exposure to the elements, you’re in. If you work in an office with other adults, sorry you are going to have to spend more than 10 minutes dressing. Come on, you deserve to give yourself that extra 15 minutes of prep time. It’s for your own good, that raise or corner office you covet might be on the line.

My main point of annoyance isn’t directly towards poorly dressed office drones. While it may be an eye sore, it doesn’t keep me awake at night. I do have major issues with politicians using Casual Friday as a PR ploy. They may think it’s a great idea from their team of stylists and image makers, I am not buying it. I don’t think it’s folksy and it doesn’t make them seem like regular joes. I expect — no, I demand — that leaders of nations dress appropriately. In fact, even minor politico players should get into this whole dressing properly thingy. The image of José, Steve, and George says this to me: I follow rather than lead. I don’t care either way but my PR team thinks this is a good idea.

Special note to current and aspiring heads of states, if you are conducting talks that has global repercussions, I want to see suits, ties and good shoes. They don’t have to be Saville Row 3-piece numbers, heck you can score 5 suits at Moore’s for a sack of nickels.

While I may not petition for a ban on Casual Friday, I won’t hinder the recent backlash either. News flash: Stuffy shirts are back in kids! Some offices have outlawed Causal Friday all together. Why? They want to present a more professional corporate culture. And you’re saying a stained t-shirt with the words, ‘No Fat Chicks’ doesn’t exude professionalism. That’s a shocker. Hopefully, this memo makes its round by this coming Monday, but I am not holding my breath.

Hey everybody! Feeling rested? Wasn’t yesterday awesome? Well, it’s today, the first day of your Human Zenetic™ life.

Throughout this process, I will present you with small chunks of info that I have coined a Life-Block, which will form the foundation that you will use to build a happier daily existence. Isn’t that cute? Cute yes, but also dead serious. The themes will include the seemingly trivial to the grandiose. We will work on the horizontal plane, where each nugget of knowledge will be intrinsically related, even though their immediate correlation won’t be apparent.

Each Life-Block can be applied individually or stringed together, kind of like those necklaces you used to make in summer camp, yeah just like those, but way less lame. Oh yeah, there won’t be any grading, and coloured belts won’t be given at each successful interval. Growth can’t be measured by framed certificates or gold star stickers silly. I know a lot of you enjoy the constructs of your current existence — a rigid structure laced with time-tested methods and results. Tell me…How the heck is it working out for you so far? (I kind of stole this from that Texan rose Dr. Phil, he won’t mind.) Go on, I’m all ears. So far, you are usually left feeling disappointed and inept. Well you’re finish with that.

Everything I offer, you can take or leave, but I hope you do TAKE, I got way too much lying around inside my huge cranium. I have probably lost some of you already. It’s ok, you’re just not ready yet. You guys should go here, and find some over-packaged temporary semblance of happiness — we’ll talk later. The rest of you, continue reading.

Ok, without further explanatory statements and or justifications (please refer to most previous post) to my qualifications. Roll up or rip off those sleeves, do whatever you do to show the world that you’re ready to do work. Human Zenetics™ starts…right…now.

They say happiness is a state of mind, but it requires physical interpretation also. I am referring to one of those manifestations, the other lesser known silent killer. Let’s talk about PDCs — watyoutalkinbout’willis!? I’m talking about Public Displays of Celebration…er, Willis.

PDCs can make and it can break a relationship. I’ve seen it, you’ve seen it. It’s couples bowling night again, one partner hits a strike or spare or whatever — I hate bowling but indulge me for a moment. Like I said, someone makes a nice bowl, and they turn to their loved one and in celebration, they go in for the high five. The time-space continuum slows down, it’s like watching a car getting t-boned at an intersection. Everyone cringes and turns away, and no one can react fast enough to stop it. What happens? Usually, both completely misses each other’s hands, maybe the timing or the angle is off. Maybe one partner was thinking high ten, resulting in an odd exchange as both individuals try to compensate and mime out what can only be described as air push-ups or a bank hold-up. In the worse case scenario, both are obviously delirious in wanting to end this embarrassment so they can only muster a pathetic grasping of both hands as they shake violently. Think Tom Cruise vs Oprah Winfrey.

Whatever the case, it’s sad. The results can only be public humiliation, completely negating the actual positive achievement that called for the PDC in the first place. It says that we as union of two individuals have a total lack of cohesion, communication and self-awareness.

What do they get wrong? They didn’t practice. Parallel parking, you’d practice — same with baking a lemon meringue pie, so why not this? They assumed that everyone is on the same PDC page. But the PDC play book is voluminous and diverse. You got everything to the standard high/low 5 to the chest bump all the way to the elaborate 21 hit combo ending with the six-shooters to the sky. As a novice, I suggest you aim low. Keep it simple and you will undoubtedly avoid humiliation and or injury. The advanced PDCs is best left for college roomies and lodge buddies.

So which PDC is right for you? That I do not know, for a leopard can not ask the elephant to pick its spots. You will have to learn and grow, and feel it out. DO NOT FORCE THE ISSUE. You might be thinking — hey jerk-face, save us the Zen crap about leopards and spots and tell us what you do?

Ok, first off I don’t appreciate the animosity. But I can understand your exuberance. I like your moxie. As for my partner and I, we were lucky. Without much discussion or ground work, we settled on what is often referred to as the ‘Silent Scholar’. Think a clap with no sound or catching a butterfly. If one person starts high, then other immediately goes low. This is the important part. High always initiates the motion and contact. Low just plays it real cool and waits for the action. But it is silent, you are trapping the butterfly, not crushing it to smithereens. The Silent Scholar is demure and polite, it doesn’t call for attention. Just the way we like it. Sometimes when things are really awesome, we upgrade to the Southside Slide. This starts as the Silent Scholar but the ‘Low’ meets the ‘High’ at the last moment and pulls in for some skin. It’s a wee more flash for your dollar. But is it right for you? Search your heart.
Some of you are saying, great tip; but I am single, I have no one to celebrate with. To you I say this, I have seen groups of beer swilling, hardcore sports buddies completely muck-up the post- touchdown or 360 windmill dunk celebration. Hey, you just got an ‘A’ on mid-term…PDC! What? Your dad woke up from his coma? I am gonna go ahead and order up a PDC! PDCs affect all of us. And practicing or developing your own standard move will strengthen any relationship. Having a set game plan for your PDCs allows you to traverse that crucial moment with confidence and ease, and it allows you to roll on through to the good times.

Will either of those techniques mentioned earlier work for you? Tough call. Again, I suggest you try before you buy. There will be no hand-holding through out our journey together, I am only providing you with these different yarns, but the onus will be on you to knit that beautiful technicolour sweater-vest that is your life. Isn’t that a superb analogy?

No? Try this one on. I will serve you these how-to edibles, but you have to chew, and digest it yourself. Better?

OK (insert your name), you were great. Get out there, remember to keep it simple and have some fun!

Hey everyone, how are things? Good good. Interested in knowing how it can get even better?

I totally knew you would be.

Ok, Let me explain…I have been successfully married for about 7 months now, and before that I was in 4 separate long-term relationships with an average life-span of 3.15 years. I am 31 years of age, so you do the math. OK, don’t bother, that equals me being super knowledgeable about the world of dating and relationships. So I figured, hey every ‘mo out there is dishing out advice like it was going out of fashion. Why not me? You got your books, your dvds, your audio tapes, your gurus, your Montel Williams, etc. etc. Everyone and their cousin Leonard is an ‘expert’. Go ahead and roll your eyes. Heck, I just heard Dr. Phil McGraw isn’t even a real doctor. I know — crazy! Anyways, everyone is capitalizing on it. People are desperate and telephone psychics costs money. But now here, and not now. I am doing this for free. Why? Because I like you. And I mean a lot.

Put down that Chicken Soup for the Soul and prepare yourself for some good old learnin’! Welcome to Jumboshrimp and the Guide to Happy (lawyers are ironing out the copyright details as we speak, so don’t even think of stealing that awesome name). I thought about giving it a more relationship-specific title, like ‘You and your first mate: What happens when the ship goes down’. But let’s be honest, it was stupid and not everybody appreciates a nautical theme. Then it hit me, I am moderately knowledgeable about tons of stuff. Why not share all of it? Gosh, I wish I was one of you. Lucky!

Ok, before I crack my head open and show you all the meaty know-how locked inside. I want to get some things clear. That’s just how I roll dawgs. I want utter transparency — you mean that much to me. I am a professional of Human Zenetics™, professional in the sense that I have the ability to print my own business cards and I kind of made up this field of practise about 5 minutes ago. Google returned with zero results for: human zenetic. It is that new and revolutionary. Do you know how many episodes of the View dealt with this subject, how about a fat zero.

Don’t be alarmed, relax and put down your notepad and that fancy image capturing device of yours. I will present these tiny morsels of genius is small edible chunks. Any expert worth their salt knows that the path to personal development and fulfilment is a slow and steady jog and not a mad dash with your arms flailing all over the place.

Before I continue, you might want to check some email or watch a lovely pet video on Youtube. I am going to need you to focus when we do some work. Better yet, get off the inter-webs and go play outside for a little bit.

Go on. Go.

D: Dude, what are you doing here? Your illustration talents are wasted in this joint.

G: Hey, man this gig pays the bills. Pays it real well.

D: I know, I know. But I can feel my creative soul being slowly smothered by the ass of monotony.

G: Haha. It’s funny cause it’s true. Ha…ha…he…whimper.

D: We should do something like a online zine or something.

G: For sure. Let’s do this.

D: Guy, let’s meet after work and get this mother off the ground.

6 months later. 6 agonizing months later.

D: Ok, dude. Let’s finally get going on this web comic idea. We need to channel our creative ninja skillus before they dry up and fall off. You in still?

G: Yeah man.

D: Nice. I sketched out some rough scripts for a few strips. Pick one and do your magic.

G: Haha, these are not bad just ‘Leave it with me…‘

A cover by any other design

Sometimes you are rewarded when mammalian instincts are ignored and you forge ahead and you just do it (please note: 100% not affiliated with the hugely successful 1990’s campaign slogan of an athletic shoe monolith based in Beaverton, Oregon). Because really, everyone makes a big do-up about our instincts, but on a case by case basis, our instincts are usually shite. What does your instincts tell you? Listen to your instincts. My instincts told me to inhale a bag of roasted pistachios last night and now I have first degree diarrhea. Let’s just say that I am not in a happy place.

Regardless, this is about Douglas Coupland’s Jpod, and not my battles with IBS. So, I ignored my initial repulsion to this book and bought it. Paid cash money for it, not borrowed, not loitered in some big box chain store and stealth-read it over the course of a few days. I thoroughly enjoyed two other Coupland offerings, Generation X and All Families are Psychotic, but I hesitated when I saw this in various window displays. It was purely on a superficial level, I very much un-liked the cover. As a former advertising and new media designer and current unpaid freelance critic of culture, it just smelled a tad ‘played out’. For the last few years, I have an immediate ‘puke-in-my-mouth’ reaction whenever I see the use of letters in front of words to display youthiness and or extreminosity — ‘i’ this or ‘e’ that. It blatantly screams, I was thought up by a group of 40 year olds in some corporate marketing brainstorming circle jerk. This is by no means a slur against 40 year old marketing professionals and or circle jerks, it is simply my personal disgust of their union and subsequent byproducts.

Published in 2006, this is the latest bastard offspring from German-born, Canadian-raised, corn-fed, free-ranged author Douglas Coupland. Coupland is also an accomplished sculptor, artist, designer, ironist, media critic, playwright, screenwriter and all around fun guy. Buddy wears a lot of hats, and they all seem to be slanted. Jpod seems to be the byproduct of Coupland’s diverse range of knowledge and talents. It reads more like a typographic art concept, rather than a conventional work of fiction. Which fits the bill nicely for the slice of life he is documenting.

Set in modern Vancouver, BC, we quickly learned that ‘Jpod’ is the nickname for a group of employees within a major video game publisher grouped together due to a HR anomaly. This explanation seemed to do wonders for my gag reflex, and I was able to hold down my lunch for the remainder of the book. From this point we are witness to the random and peculiar details of one Jpodder in particular: Jarlewski, Ethan. Through the banal, trivial, sadisitc sometimes criminal activities of his peers, we see his personal and professional lives slowly merge into one big ironic tofurkey. There are subplots galore, we have grows-ops, parental infidelity, human trafficking, recreational narcotics, web culture, eating disorders, sexual dysfunction, rural Chinese industrial complexes and more — all held together poetically by the golden rainbow that is capitalism. Coupland captures the ethos of Ethan’s post tech-bubble existence to perfection. The dream of internet riches has dried up. The coolness of working in a seemingly creative industry has been replaced with bureaucracy, monotony, internal strife, low morale and a posture that would be envied by French bell-tower dwellers.

Within the text, there are numerous literary versions of adware, pastebombs and spam. It compliments the overall ambiance. Gimmicky? Sure, but also fits well with the subject matter and the target audience. We are living in the ‘Cut and Paste’ era. There are numerous cultural references and inside jokes for those who are indoctrinated in the language of google and social networks (God, I hate that term) and their ilk…But for the rest you real world peoples, the characters could seem empty, materialistic, vacuous and amoral. Which they are. The fact that I could relate with their gross behaviour was more revolting that the acts themselves. Giggling to myself as the characters went through one preposterous life event after another.

Who are these people? These sick, twisted people. How can they live like this? And there’s the rub. You don’t have to try very hard to relate to any of the multitude of apparent clinical psychosis displayed. They are you and me kiddo, in all our glory. Searching for answers while subverting experiences via material and capital gain, which is essentially an exercise in futility. Hi there, I’m your soul. We should talk sometimes…

All this to say, that it was fantastically delicious read. A real page turner, but on the same token I can see someone else regarding it as trivial, sociopathic and superfluous. Satire, irony, wit and self-deprecation are Coupland’s finishing moves in the battle octagon that is Jpod. Extra style points for writing himself in as a capitalistic self-serving porker. It defines a particular existence in a particular point of time with distinction. But, let’s not lose our grip, and deem it the quintessential weather vane for our current history. It rings true for those who are living in this particular whacked out world. But it is only one slice out of the multi-grain loaf that is modern civilization.

Poignant social commentary about a generation on the brink of complete self-dillusion? Meh. An analogy on the human disenchantment with the promises of Democracy and Capitalism? Prolly. His best work? Dunno. A great read? Mos def.

Discovery is not a child-centric activity, but it’s sure feels like it. Well, at least for this little buckeroo.

At the exact moment when my mind registers a ‘discovery’ I experience an auto-somatic episode for a brief period. I can not quantify the length of time, but I revert to the young boy that had often sought out and enjoyed lifting up random rocks, discarded debris or moldy newspapers to simply find what lies underneath. This happens to me. EVERY. TIME.

I have this existential replay of me lifting up the symbolic rock. Kind of like the Quality Assurance station along the assembly line of memories, emotions and experiences that is my psyche. ‘It’s confirmed! We have a new discovery! Commence euphoric brain activity! Stat. Activate ear-to-ear smiling mechanism. Go. Go. Go.‘

Currently, that activity of discovery often involves scavenging through various decrepit pockets of the inter-webs. While trolling the National Public Radio website in search of some reprieve from ‘Wednesday, Day 3 of 5 for employee 30725, occupier of cornerish-window cubicle 225, 5^TH floor, building C, National Office campus. The factory was pushed into motion by a little nugget by the name of Intelligence Squared US, a podcast of oxford-style debates, complete with action grip moderator! The debaters are harvested from the upper echelons of academia and other relevant fields of knowledge. Three for the motion, three against. Throw in a hot-button issue and debate! My introduction into this program was the proposition of ‘Is America Too Damn Religious?‘. And this one was a hum-dinger. The series is produced by the WNYC, New York Public Radio. All debates are taped in front of a live audience in New York City, who are polled pre and post debate. Its root is from the British production that began in 2002. I eagerly await a Canadian version to be rolled out by the CBC.

Debate is an essential apparatus of education and critical thinking. No matter what your stance is, it is always beneficial to view a topic from as many vantage point as possible. For or against, these debaters present their case in an objective and eloquent manner.

And that’s hot.

Captain Planet, the beloved brainchild of environmentalist and one-time pinko sympathzier Ted Turner is getting old. Captain Planet that is, not Ted Turner — thanks to Swiss science and his hidden reserve of gold bullion, the Tedster is livelier than ever. Truth be told, The Captain’s green mullet is greying, sure it looks distinguished and sexy in the Sean Connery geriatric kind-of-way in Entrapment, but dude is out. Since 1990, the Captain along with 70’s funk super group Earth, Wind, Fire, Water and Heart have been infotaining the world’s youth on environmental and social issues. And making a tidy profit from the merchandising and spin-off products to boot. BANK!

He has served us well, and has earned his right to throw up his size 12’s knee highs, rest his muscular shoulders on an English-leathered wingback and take it real easy-like. We thank you, the world thanks you, your work is done but there is much left undone. Enter stage right, new guy. Hit the tape deck, and somebody turn up the Hammer. The hour has come; the torch must be passed; the famous skin-tight unitard will now grace a new corn-fed body. Oscar race, shm-Oscar race. The fake contest du jour is the crowning of Captain Planet 2007. Planeteers, we got your back like for serious.

Like any other respectable corporately-funded UN-observed democratic nomination process, there are only two candidates vying for this sweet, sweet job. And since the state of the entire globe is at hand, it only makes sense the candidate shall be fabulously unilingual - meaning English speakers ONLY need apply, and if you don’t like the rules, you can take your freedom-hating ass back to France.

A cross section of potential candidates have been thrown into a Dell laptop (confiscated from Albanian bookies) containing the same software that has correctly deduced the outcome for the last 15 Ohio State ‘Little Miss Buckeye’ Toddler Beauty Pageants (with an accuracy rate of over 65%, no less). After two hours of tabulations, one patch for Explorer and three system reboots, two shiny rhetoric-encrusted mounds of turd floated to the top. Without further adieu, we present to you — your new Captain Planet 2007 — please hold your lobbying until the end.

Mr. Personality
*Artist Interpretation

In the blue corner, the Right Honourable Stephen Joseph Harper, Leader of the new Conservative Party of Canada, and the nation’s 22^nd Prime Minister. He has been leading a lean, mean governing machine since January 2006. A founding father of the Reform party and wunderkind of the Canadian Alliance Party. While driving the Alliance party bus, he orchestrated a deal of Gretzsky-esque proportions with then leader of the Progressive Conservative Party to merge assets, created a new ultra-secret (twice as secret as super-secret) handshake and rebranded themselves as the Conservative Party of Canada. The right-wing base breathed a collective sign of relief, and Canadian politics was restored to its former glory. ‘Unite the Right’ was their chant, and in one slow, drawn out lacklustre election, Mr. Personality became Canada’s first elected animatronic Prime Minister. Stephen Joseph was a man on a mission, flipping unions and allegiance for his political gain, the man is ‘change’ personified. He is the change in ‘Climate Change’. Sure, he dismissed the notion of ‘Global Warming’ and poo-pooed the Kyoto Protocol as the leader of the Opposition and then proceeded to sledgehammer existing and successful national campaigns once he was in power. It is that easy nay-sayers, you want an answer? He doesn’t even see a problem. He is single-minded in his determination. If he can fain interest in the province of Quebec to gain his office, you bet your tree-hugging, hemp-covered behind he can easily fake being green to keep it. While he keeps his ideas and policies vague and closely guarded, make no mistake…it will be a ‘Made in Canada‘ solution. Now that’s a fine tagline, eat it Madison Avenue! Government Accountability and Transparency — check! Ensuring Canadians safety at home and abroad (whatever the hell that means) — double check! Environmental problems, bring it on ladies. The pride from the west side, the part man-part robot, Stephen Joseph Haaaaarppppppeerrrrr.

Walker Texas Ranger
*Artist Interpretation

And in the red corner, a darling of the international stage for the last 7 odd years. Born into a life of squalor and hardship, a self-made man in business and politics. There was nothing life gave this southern gentleman, he took it…then proceeded to either snorted it and or shot it back with a vodka chaser. We give you the 43^rd President of the United States of America, George Walker Bush. Say it with me — TWO TERMS — democracy works people. While his current opponent may have flip-flopped, GW is steadfast in his autistic-like focus on his beliefs. Beliefs that may go against grade school science and common sense, but they’re resolute and unwavering. Catastrophic climatic episodes due to changing oceanic currents? Save your college-speak lefty wienies. While some may have naively taken every word fed by the world’s science elite at face value. This Texas Ranger from the Lone Star state formed his own panel of experts (read unemployed lab guys from Big Tobacco) to investigate into matters. And even when their conclusions deviated from his knowledge, he formed another panel to refute his previous panel. The man doesn’t know the word quit. But he does know the word legacy. Democracy and Freedom in the Middle East? Two words. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. Human tragedy of Hurricane Katrina, you are welcome New Orleans. And now he has his eyes on a bigger fish to sauté and deep fry. Saving the world, that doesn’t look too bad on the old resumé. He is a man with a plan, check that he has four. You say the environment needs a friend in the Capitol building, well Gee-Dub and his investment portfolio has been teabagging Mother Nature for decades. She couldn’t ask for a better bedfellow, we give you. George. Walker. Bush.

There can be only one winner in this contest, but no matter who bears this incredibly important burden, we are the real winners in the end. Are you paying attention lefty conspiracy theorists? Your whining call for help has been answered. You see the glinting at the end of the tunnel, it’s the the beam of hope bouncing off the new Captain Planet’s codpiece. Think long, think hard. This is the best it gets. Now, using your mobile device, call now or text your vote. Be patient as our lines will be busy, please stay on the line to maintain your level of priority sequence. Your call is important to us…and the next available agent will respond to your problem. Standard international rate apply.