Jumboshrimp has always been a fan of themes. Once you give something its own theme, it seems to have more of a purpose. People can attached themselves to a theme. People can believe in a theme. A theme complements the entire production - whether it be a social event, a set of icons for your mobile or an awesome 80’s sitcom starring Gary Coleman. A theme brings it all together in a tight little package.

Take for instance, the so-so months of June, July and August. Individually, rather mundane, but when you string them together, you get Summer (at least in the northern hemisphere). And you know how most people feel about Summer. They plan their entire calendar around those 3 months, the simple whisper of Summer induces fits of juvenile seizures in schools across the country.

Now, we realized that essentially, Summer is a theme, but why-not give a theme…..um, a theme.

Well, regardless of what you think. Jumboshrimp is welcoming back The Summer of ‘_________’.

Once a theme has been determined, you are to adhere to the spirit of that theme. As always, participation is voluntary. Since the inaugural Summer - 2001 ‘The Summer of Discovery’, each following year has been saddled with its own special theme, chosen is a completely un-scientific manner. 2001 was a glorious triumph, while 2004 - ‘The Summer of Menial Labour’ was not a crowd pleaser.

Regardless of obvious flaws in thinking and structure, the goal remains the same - it’s the experience that matters.

So, we have arrived at 2008 - The Summer of Yes. What does this mean? Gone are the days of multiple options for responses. ‘Maybe’ is dead to you. ‘Depends’ is not welcome here. And ‘No’ can wait for the Winter months to show its face. Whatever you are offered, your answer will be an enthusiastic and consistent ‘Yes’! Preferably, the ‘Yes’ will precede the completion of the question.

Scenario 1:

Q: Hey, would you be interested….

A: YES!

Q: …in a BBQ this weekend?

Scenario 2:

Q: Do you want…

A: YES!

Q: this old salsa I am throwing out?

Two completely opposing scenes, but the outcomes are equally awesome.

The ‘Summer of Yes’ is not about what you get for free and it is definitely not for the faint-hearted. It’s about being totally into everything. It’s about being the first to break the inertia. It’s about leading. Why would I do this you ask? Reflect on this statement: If you think life is short, think how short Summer is.

Chew on that science for a wee bit.

And - if you are thinking, ‘Well, this could have been useful info back in April or May. I could have said ‘Yes’ to so many things!’. You just met one of the consequences of ‘The Summer of Yes’, too busy having the most awesome time to blog. It is only August, but Jumboshrimp has already experienced 4 concerts, 2 plays, 4 vernissages, 5 festivals, 14 BBQs, 2 weddings, 7 birthdays, 2 bar-mitzvahs, 1 sighting of Nick Carter, 2 cottages and a grand opening of a Lebanese deli. And these are only the few details my timid manner would allow me to divulge. Anyhoo…

Start now, start today. It has been officially, ‘The Summer of Yes’.

Hey there! Over here. Here. Little to the left. A little more…Hey! For a second there, I totally thought that you were ignoring us. Weird huh? Sooo…how are things?

Super.

Everyone working on their PDCs? I know you are, because I have noticed a remarkable difference when I watch the action outside our offices with my high powered telephoto lens. Keep workin’ on them, everyone is doing great.

The summer has been good to us at the Center for Human Zenetics™. Since merging resources with Jumboshrimp, our enrolment has tripled — sure both my parents moved out of the communal tents, but they don’t get it. Not like you guys, you guys get it. That’s the bad news. Good news for the rest of the ‘family’ in the commune, no more crazy asian screaming matches during Wheel of Fortune! On another note, people are really noticing a difference since allowing Human Zenetics into their lives. And that warms our cockles. Feel them, they’re super toasty feeling.

Before we get rolling, just to update everyone who is anxious about the upcoming “Tour de Awesome” seminars: our interns have been busy finalizing the program. They are ‘cutting the fat’ so to speak. Attendees can expect a lean, green life-affirming machine when our tour rolls into your neck of the woods. Our emissions rate will be somewhere between a U2 European concert tour and Oprah’s Travelling Bookclub. Let’s just say we keep pretty good company. Our carbon footprint will be down a very respectable value, once our pesky interns are done. Who says you have to pay salaries to get results? Really. Who said that, because I wouldn’t mind face-punching them for a wee bit for tipping off the local 420 labour union. Lol, I keed I keed.

SERIOUSLY LABOUR WATCHDOGS, OUR INTERNS ARE VERY HAPPY. THERE IS NO NEED TO HAVE A JOB SITE INSPECTION TO CHECK CONDITIONS AND EMPLOYEE WEIGHT LEVELS.

With all that ugliness out of the way. Can I get to the part where I get to share our latest offering? While we know that the path to enlightenment is a long drawn-out journey, we can’t ignore the fact that we are living in a fast and hairy world. To appease both you (valuable supporters) and our share holders, we have come up with a compromise. We have created a new section of the site. Think of this as a bite-sized treat from the official Guide to Happy™.

Say hello to Ask the Crustacean! — our resident advice arthropod. Everyone at the office goes to this guy for tips, ranging on small engine repair to dating etiquette. We thought—Shit, there has to be a way to monetize this little guy. And of course there is. But we are still holding true to our mantra of…while cheap is good, free is better. That means Ask the Crustacean! will be free. All Day. Every day. Free? Yes. Free. What about weekends? FREE. How about holidays? FREE. OK enough! I really didn’t think we were gonna spend so much time about this FREE thingy.

Moving on.

While his stature is small, his wisdom knowns no bounds. And did I mention the wit! If Bob Saget ever made it with a prawn, this dude would be their love-child. Suffice it to say that he’s kind of a big deal.

Ask the Crustacean! will be published in a semi-regular bi-weekly schedule (subject to change without notice). Here’s a preview of some sage-iosity!

Dear ’shrimp,

I am a 35 year old female executive, I consider myself intelligent and not lacking in the cushion for the pushin’ department. You know the deal…my professional success has left me deficient in the relationship department. I am sick of girl’s night. Where can a girl like me meet the right guy. Hook a sister up!

— What’s a girl gotta do?

Hey girl,

If I had a penny every time one of my lady friends laments about how they sacrificed their social life for career, I’d be able to wrap my exoskeleton in Harry Winston jewels…meaning I hear it a lot. I’m gonna tell you what I tell them. It goes something like this:

Tell me about this fantasy world that you have been living in? Where a woman (or anyone) can achieve everything her (or his) hearts desire. The career. The house. The family. The love of their life. The ability to dunk a basketball. Etc, etc. You see, life is about balances, and achieving success in any realm requires that you are dedicated towards that specific endeavour. That means you have to pick. If you want a relationship now, you are going to have to sacrifice your work. I am not saying to jump off the corporate ladder, maybe just stay at your current rung. What about those people who have everything and are happy? To that I say this: Those people are liars. They are either lying or secretly unhappy, or a combination of. The human animal is not capable on focusing on so many different things and being successful at them all. It’s your whole processing gases via nose/lungs. Way too energy sapping. Crustaceans on the hand, we breathe through gills. It helps us focus big time. We’re good at everything. Therefore, you should call me this weekend. Oh, and try that whole love yourself more dealio, I hear that helps project a more attractive image. Or at least that what my girl Tyra says.

P.S. A picture with this note would have helped your cause large.

J’shrimp

That’s just a cocktail sampling of Ask the Crustacean! If you require advice on anything (we mean anything), shoot the him an email at askthecrustacean@gmail.com. Letters will be published on this site at a completely random rate. We can not promise your confidentiality and or anonymity.

Hey everybody! Feeling rested? Wasn’t yesterday awesome? Well, it’s today, the first day of your Human Zenetic™ life.

Throughout this process, I will present you with small chunks of info that I have coined a Life-Block, which will form the foundation that you will use to build a happier daily existence. Isn’t that cute? Cute yes, but also dead serious. The themes will include the seemingly trivial to the grandiose. We will work on the horizontal plane, where each nugget of knowledge will be intrinsically related, even though their immediate correlation won’t be apparent.

Each Life-Block can be applied individually or stringed together, kind of like those necklaces you used to make in summer camp, yeah just like those, but way less lame. Oh yeah, there won’t be any grading, and coloured belts won’t be given at each successful interval. Growth can’t be measured by framed certificates or gold star stickers silly. I know a lot of you enjoy the constructs of your current existence — a rigid structure laced with time-tested methods and results. Tell me…How the heck is it working out for you so far? (I kind of stole this from that Texan rose Dr. Phil, he won’t mind.) Go on, I’m all ears. So far, you are usually left feeling disappointed and inept. Well you’re finish with that.

Everything I offer, you can take or leave, but I hope you do TAKE, I got way too much lying around inside my huge cranium. I have probably lost some of you already. It’s ok, you’re just not ready yet. You guys should go here, and find some over-packaged temporary semblance of happiness — we’ll talk later. The rest of you, continue reading.

Ok, without further explanatory statements and or justifications (please refer to most previous post) to my qualifications. Roll up or rip off those sleeves, do whatever you do to show the world that you’re ready to do work. Human Zenetics™ starts…right…now.

They say happiness is a state of mind, but it requires physical interpretation also. I am referring to one of those manifestations, the other lesser known silent killer. Let’s talk about PDCs — watyoutalkinbout’willis!? I’m talking about Public Displays of Celebration…er, Willis.

PDCs can make and it can break a relationship. I’ve seen it, you’ve seen it. It’s couples bowling night again, one partner hits a strike or spare or whatever — I hate bowling but indulge me for a moment. Like I said, someone makes a nice bowl, and they turn to their loved one and in celebration, they go in for the high five. The time-space continuum slows down, it’s like watching a car getting t-boned at an intersection. Everyone cringes and turns away, and no one can react fast enough to stop it. What happens? Usually, both completely misses each other’s hands, maybe the timing or the angle is off. Maybe one partner was thinking high ten, resulting in an odd exchange as both individuals try to compensate and mime out what can only be described as air push-ups or a bank hold-up. In the worse case scenario, both are obviously delirious in wanting to end this embarrassment so they can only muster a pathetic grasping of both hands as they shake violently. Think Tom Cruise vs Oprah Winfrey.

Whatever the case, it’s sad. The results can only be public humiliation, completely negating the actual positive achievement that called for the PDC in the first place. It says that we as union of two individuals have a total lack of cohesion, communication and self-awareness.

What do they get wrong? They didn’t practice. Parallel parking, you’d practice — same with baking a lemon meringue pie, so why not this? They assumed that everyone is on the same PDC page. But the PDC play book is voluminous and diverse. You got everything to the standard high/low 5 to the chest bump all the way to the elaborate 21 hit combo ending with the six-shooters to the sky. As a novice, I suggest you aim low. Keep it simple and you will undoubtedly avoid humiliation and or injury. The advanced PDCs is best left for college roomies and lodge buddies.

So which PDC is right for you? That I do not know, for a leopard can not ask the elephant to pick its spots. You will have to learn and grow, and feel it out. DO NOT FORCE THE ISSUE. You might be thinking — hey jerk-face, save us the Zen crap about leopards and spots and tell us what you do?

Ok, first off I don’t appreciate the animosity. But I can understand your exuberance. I like your moxie. As for my partner and I, we were lucky. Without much discussion or ground work, we settled on what is often referred to as the ‘Silent Scholar’. Think a clap with no sound or catching a butterfly. If one person starts high, then other immediately goes low. This is the important part. High always initiates the motion and contact. Low just plays it real cool and waits for the action. But it is silent, you are trapping the butterfly, not crushing it to smithereens. The Silent Scholar is demure and polite, it doesn’t call for attention. Just the way we like it. Sometimes when things are really awesome, we upgrade to the Southside Slide. This starts as the Silent Scholar but the ‘Low’ meets the ‘High’ at the last moment and pulls in for some skin. It’s a wee more flash for your dollar. But is it right for you? Search your heart.
Some of you are saying, great tip; but I am single, I have no one to celebrate with. To you I say this, I have seen groups of beer swilling, hardcore sports buddies completely muck-up the post- touchdown or 360 windmill dunk celebration. Hey, you just got an ‘A’ on mid-term…PDC! What? Your dad woke up from his coma? I am gonna go ahead and order up a PDC! PDCs affect all of us. And practicing or developing your own standard move will strengthen any relationship. Having a set game plan for your PDCs allows you to traverse that crucial moment with confidence and ease, and it allows you to roll on through to the good times.

Will either of those techniques mentioned earlier work for you? Tough call. Again, I suggest you try before you buy. There will be no hand-holding through out our journey together, I am only providing you with these different yarns, but the onus will be on you to knit that beautiful technicolour sweater-vest that is your life. Isn’t that a superb analogy?

No? Try this one on. I will serve you these how-to edibles, but you have to chew, and digest it yourself. Better?

OK (insert your name), you were great. Get out there, remember to keep it simple and have some fun!

Hey everyone, how are things? Good good. Interested in knowing how it can get even better?

I totally knew you would be.

Ok, Let me explain…I have been successfully married for about 7 months now, and before that I was in 4 separate long-term relationships with an average life-span of 3.15 years. I am 31 years of age, so you do the math. OK, don’t bother, that equals me being super knowledgeable about the world of dating and relationships. So I figured, hey every ‘mo out there is dishing out advice like it was going out of fashion. Why not me? You got your books, your dvds, your audio tapes, your gurus, your Montel Williams, etc. etc. Everyone and their cousin Leonard is an ‘expert’. Go ahead and roll your eyes. Heck, I just heard Dr. Phil McGraw isn’t even a real doctor. I know — crazy! Anyways, everyone is capitalizing on it. People are desperate and telephone psychics costs money. But now here, and not now. I am doing this for free. Why? Because I like you. And I mean a lot.

Put down that Chicken Soup for the Soul and prepare yourself for some good old learnin’! Welcome to Jumboshrimp and the Guide to Happy (lawyers are ironing out the copyright details as we speak, so don’t even think of stealing that awesome name). I thought about giving it a more relationship-specific title, like ‘You and your first mate: What happens when the ship goes down’. But let’s be honest, it was stupid and not everybody appreciates a nautical theme. Then it hit me, I am moderately knowledgeable about tons of stuff. Why not share all of it? Gosh, I wish I was one of you. Lucky!

Ok, before I crack my head open and show you all the meaty know-how locked inside. I want to get some things clear. That’s just how I roll dawgs. I want utter transparency — you mean that much to me. I am a professional of Human Zenetics™, professional in the sense that I have the ability to print my own business cards and I kind of made up this field of practise about 5 minutes ago. Google returned with zero results for: human zenetic. It is that new and revolutionary. Do you know how many episodes of the View dealt with this subject, how about a fat zero.

Don’t be alarmed, relax and put down your notepad and that fancy image capturing device of yours. I will present these tiny morsels of genius is small edible chunks. Any expert worth their salt knows that the path to personal development and fulfilment is a slow and steady jog and not a mad dash with your arms flailing all over the place.

Before I continue, you might want to check some email or watch a lovely pet video on Youtube. I am going to need you to focus when we do some work. Better yet, get off the inter-webs and go play outside for a little bit.

Go on. Go.