Hey there! Over here. Here. Little to the left. A little more…Hey! For a second there, I totally thought that you were ignoring us. Weird huh? Sooo…how are things?

Super.

Everyone working on their PDCs? I know you are, because I have noticed a remarkable difference when I watch the action outside our offices with my high powered telephoto lens. Keep workin’ on them, everyone is doing great.

The summer has been good to us at the Center for Human Zenetics™. Since merging resources with Jumboshrimp, our enrolment has tripled — sure both my parents moved out of the communal tents, but they don’t get it. Not like you guys, you guys get it. That’s the bad news. Good news for the rest of the ‘family’ in the commune, no more crazy asian screaming matches during Wheel of Fortune! On another note, people are really noticing a difference since allowing Human Zenetics into their lives. And that warms our cockles. Feel them, they’re super toasty feeling.

Before we get rolling, just to update everyone who is anxious about the upcoming “Tour de Awesome” seminars: our interns have been busy finalizing the program. They are ‘cutting the fat’ so to speak. Attendees can expect a lean, green life-affirming machine when our tour rolls into your neck of the woods. Our emissions rate will be somewhere between a U2 European concert tour and Oprah’s Travelling Bookclub. Let’s just say we keep pretty good company. Our carbon footprint will be down a very respectable value, once our pesky interns are done. Who says you have to pay salaries to get results? Really. Who said that, because I wouldn’t mind face-punching them for a wee bit for tipping off the local 420 labour union. Lol, I keed I keed.

SERIOUSLY LABOUR WATCHDOGS, OUR INTERNS ARE VERY HAPPY. THERE IS NO NEED TO HAVE A JOB SITE INSPECTION TO CHECK CONDITIONS AND EMPLOYEE WEIGHT LEVELS.

With all that ugliness out of the way. Can I get to the part where I get to share our latest offering? While we know that the path to enlightenment is a long drawn-out journey, we can’t ignore the fact that we are living in a fast and hairy world. To appease both you (valuable supporters) and our share holders, we have come up with a compromise. We have created a new section of the site. Think of this as a bite-sized treat from the official Guide to Happy™.

Say hello to Ask the Crustacean! — our resident advice arthropod. Everyone at the office goes to this guy for tips, ranging on small engine repair to dating etiquette. We thought—Shit, there has to be a way to monetize this little guy. And of course there is. But we are still holding true to our mantra of…while cheap is good, free is better. That means Ask the Crustacean! will be free. All Day. Every day. Free? Yes. Free. What about weekends? FREE. How about holidays? FREE. OK enough! I really didn’t think we were gonna spend so much time about this FREE thingy.

Moving on.

While his stature is small, his wisdom knowns no bounds. And did I mention the wit! If Bob Saget ever made it with a prawn, this dude would be their love-child. Suffice it to say that he’s kind of a big deal.

Ask the Crustacean! will be published in a semi-regular bi-weekly schedule (subject to change without notice). Here’s a preview of some sage-iosity!

Dear ’shrimp,

I am a 35 year old female executive, I consider myself intelligent and not lacking in the cushion for the pushin’ department. You know the deal…my professional success has left me deficient in the relationship department. I am sick of girl’s night. Where can a girl like me meet the right guy. Hook a sister up!

— What’s a girl gotta do?

Hey girl,

If I had a penny every time one of my lady friends laments about how they sacrificed their social life for career, I’d be able to wrap my exoskeleton in Harry Winston jewels…meaning I hear it a lot. I’m gonna tell you what I tell them. It goes something like this:

Tell me about this fantasy world that you have been living in? Where a woman (or anyone) can achieve everything her (or his) hearts desire. The career. The house. The family. The love of their life. The ability to dunk a basketball. Etc, etc. You see, life is about balances, and achieving success in any realm requires that you are dedicated towards that specific endeavour. That means you have to pick. If you want a relationship now, you are going to have to sacrifice your work. I am not saying to jump off the corporate ladder, maybe just stay at your current rung. What about those people who have everything and are happy? To that I say this: Those people are liars. They are either lying or secretly unhappy, or a combination of. The human animal is not capable on focusing on so many different things and being successful at them all. It’s your whole processing gases via nose/lungs. Way too energy sapping. Crustaceans on the hand, we breathe through gills. It helps us focus big time. We’re good at everything. Therefore, you should call me this weekend. Oh, and try that whole love yourself more dealio, I hear that helps project a more attractive image. Or at least that what my girl Tyra says.

P.S. A picture with this note would have helped your cause large.

J’shrimp

That’s just a cocktail sampling of Ask the Crustacean! If you require advice on anything (we mean anything), shoot the him an email at askthecrustacean@gmail.com. Letters will be published on this site at a completely random rate. We can not promise your confidentiality and or anonymity.