I know every suspect spouts out endlessly of their innocence whenever they are accused of a crime, but it wasn’t my fault! Not directly anyways, let it be know that I subscribe to neither the spiritual or the literal interpretation of the law. I got a very good defence, Johnnie Cochrane-like even, may God rest his soul.

We are creatures of habit, and I am no different. Between 9:30 - 10:30 am, I need to clear my bowels. There, it’s out there. I’m not shy about it. It’s pretty much the only thing you can count on, I’m quite proud of this routine. It says, I exercise proper bodily functions. I care for my intestinal health. Rarely, am I cranky due to constipation. It’s true.

Today, that pride, that routine was shattered by an evil-doer. As always, accompanied by my trusty wad of newspaper, I went about my business. Upon arrival I noticed a yellowish shine within the bowl, and visual confirmation of turd was made. This sadly, was not a shocker, evidently I work with circus animals masquerading as bureaucrats. If I had a penny for every time I had to pre-flush the bowl before I begin my process, I can build my own personal lavatory right in my cubicle. Not the most pleasant of events to experience this early in the morning, but I have resolved it to the fact this was due to the Public Service’s low hiring standards. In a perfect world, the interview process could include the following scenario:

“Well, everything looks great, you have the experience and your references are stellar. I think you are perfect for this role. Let me just take a quick look at the personal hygiene questionnaire you filled out when you applied for this position. Okay, uh-huh…yep…yeah this looks great…Oh fuck, wait. You answered that you never flush the toilet after a shit. Ummm..yeah that’s nasty. I’m sorry but, we can not offer you the position of VP of Marketing. GET OUT! GET OUTTA HERE YOU ANIMAL!!”

Alas, our world is far from perfect and atrocities like these are common place in the public sector. So like any other day, when I see turd in bowl. I don’t cry or lament how the world has done me wrong. I just use my left foot to flush the offensive matter. But today, the water moved in a irregular way, it started rising, taking turd and whatever else with it. As soon as it neared the rim of the bowl, I bolted. Cowardly? maybe but I panicked. Sue me. I glanced quickly back and the floor was flooded. Damn it! But, here is the kicker. When I entered, there was this ass-captain quickly drying his hands and he shot me an odd look. Only later did I deduced that it was a look of guilt mingled with shame. He reaked of it. He was the culprit. But get this, as I made my mad dash to higher ground, I almost knocked down another guy as he was coming in. I know for a fact that he blamed me for this fiasco. Me! the victim. Double crap. How’s that for injustice. Did he recognize me? Will he? Am I subject to whispered gossip of, “Oh man, there’s that guy I told you guys about. The guy that flooded the bathroom with his turds.” But you know what? I know the truth. And his judging eyes won’t change that.